INKED!

It was almost a year ago when I mastered the courage to get a tattoo. A friend who has one tried to talk me out of it.  Being stubborn that I am, she actually gave in and just told me this, "Dapat kung magpa-tat ka, yung design may kabuluhan. Para pag nagtanong ang magiging anak mo balang araw, may lalim din ang explanation mo."

And it took me few weeks to think things over. Design, font style, size, site. Finally, THE night came. It was also after AM duty (just like when I had my belly pierced). The tattoo artist assessed my readiness as well. Ha! My exact thought then was today's pabebe girls' *walang makakapigil saken*

With few bottles of beer prior to the session (which the tat artist also suggested), I had this.

Nothing intricate, really. Just that. I AM BECAUSE WE ARE.

A philosophical view para pa-deep.

A constant reminder to be human.To be kind. Because we are not who we are today if not because of them (insert everyone you can think of here) yesterday.

Araw-araw na solid batok to be someone I am not.

YUN YUN EH.

Lady (BARELY) Stoneheart

Bajao kids handing jeepney  passengers envelopes for coins while singing?
Or maybe the children with rags who would insist on "cleaning" your shoes?
Adults claiming there's death in their families showing death certificates as proof in any public transportation?



Call me whatever you want but I don't buy any of it.
Or maybe I do but I just don't care. That sounds worse. Nah, that is worse!



I find myself more concerned with stray dogs wimping because of injured feet.
My heart swells to anything but less likely to human race.



Dark.
Stone cold.

Violent Tendencies

We all have strange dreams. I just had two consecutive dreams on that same day that I was killing someone. 

It was vivid. It's like I was there. I felt the knife piercing through the skin of the guy I was stabbing. It felt strangely satisfying (now, that's really scary) and at the same time frustrating because he was not bleeding profusely as I stab him around 13-15 times if I remember it correctly. I can recall how I went for his jugular and his throat and his chest and the rest of the torso. It seems that I want more bloody crime scene. Shyet ang abnormal ko diba.

I can't remember any details of the second killing spree dream except that it was also about murder. And that I was the one responsible, too.

Dreams are safe space as Google says. 

Also, such murder dreams might signify my own walking-life issues. I guess my introvert self who's trying to seal her aggression is kicking in through these dreams. And I remember, I had to suppress myself from beasting out these past couple of days. Re:  brother, area supervisor, work.

Or it could just be too much reading murder novels and watching that hunk Arrow vigilante who kills with a purpose.

Funny.

What's funnier is I revived this blog (which happened to hibernate for two years) thru my killings. 

And the self is now I.

Don't Cha Cheat

It is not something to be proud of. It is a taboo for almost everyone. However, the self chose to reveal it through blogging to avoid "she's a real bitch" kind of stares.

Like the waves approaching the shore, men will always test the water with women. I think that women are the ones making the call, though. It will always be the women who will decide whether they'll take the plunge or not.

The self did.

It was one Seminar scheminar week with colleagues in Rizal, more of a reunion actually. With reunions come hand shakes with all the familiar faces, high fives for people you've come to be comfortable with, casual conversations with friends. Best part? Drinking after the official hours of lecture is not prohibited. And that is the formula that certainly spells trouble.

It was the last night of the event and its either people are I-think-I'll-throw up kind of drunk or who's-the-man-now kind of wasted. Sober state is temporarily out of the vocabulary. The self belongs in the middle. The guy was part of the first group. The self wants to call him TOG1 (The Other Guy 1).

The self was trying to execute her effective vanishing plan. It was just around half past midnight yet felt like 4:00 in the morning. She excused herself to check on her roommate when the guy offered to accompany her. She thought she could handle whatever was coming, so she said yes. Wrong move.

The guy started to do his thing. He reached for her hand, caressed her nape, sat with her in the yosi bench nearby. Smooth operator. She could have said no. She could have slap the hand and walk away. But the self did not. Maybe it wasn't a wrong move for her that night. Why? The self needed that.

The self did not even think of her long distance boyfriend. The self thought of herself. Of how she loved the desire from the other guy's eyes and of how she could twist him with lust raged with alcohol. Yes, one scheming b*tch. And oh how she did it well!

Interesting facts: The night ended with a wall banging kiss. The guy is getting married early next year yet he wants more of the self after that night.

The self could not suppress her laugh with the memory while singing Pussycat Dolls' Don't Cha.

-

Putikang Mt. Romelo

Mt. Romelo Experience

9.21.13

Technically, it was the self’s second climb but it still felt ET phone home to her.

Organizers created this event page on Facebook to remind the usual stuff like hiking etiquette, OOTCD (outfit of the climbing day), things to bring and what to expect from the trail.

Two days before the set climb, she bought a new pair of Tribu sandal which is on sale. Tried it on and it instantly boosted the self’s confidence because you know, it felt legit and felt like a hardcore pacute poser! Hah!

Few hours before the group meet, she had a mini reunion with her previous area friends. So there’s a pre-climb ganap that was basically just pigging out, booze fest and singing the hearts out. An hour or so before the Romelo group call time., she excused herself to get some zzzs.

3:30-4am: Breakfast slash nursing another hangover time at Jollibee near the workplace. TOG was there. Late and looking macho on his muscle tee. Shyetsya. But so you see, for the past days the self has been shrugging his presence off. Why? The self is in her maarte side.

4:30-6:40ish: Travel time. Roadtrip playlist was on while the self was trying to squeeze some more sleep on the way but the bumps and swerves made sure that she won’t be able to. It was alright because the group was one happy pack and the trip wasn’t a bore.

ASCEND

Started it around 7ish in the morning after registration. It was said to be on a 2/9 difficulty but still each step should be calculated for you might fall flat on your butt or worse, hit your head with something on the ground. The trail wasn’t steep but the unlimited and wagas mud supply has gotten on our way. Splash of cool river water was just refreshing that could entice you to take a dip. The current was a form of relief and a break from your muddy feet and legs.

However, be careful on the slips that might happen here and there. It would be better if someone would hold your hand . Charaught. Like what TOG did. Subtle HHWhile crossing the river. How convenient for the self and TOG. Flirting while enjoying nature’s finest. LOL.

  Falls

Dipping in at Buruwisan and Batya batya falls is a challenge because you’ll go Janes and Tarzans, and mermaids as well, along the way. Every twisted step is worth it because the place is just serene and the sound of the falls is like a steady lullaby. Photo ops are the best here. After vanity exhaustion, the group devoured the pack lunch. She shared her Burger Yum and Sting while looking for extra rice because she realized she was actually starving. Yosi breaks in between are like kelangan pa bang imemorize episodes and lines. Tight grips and swimming skills came in handy in bad scenarios.  Almost drowning scenes are heart wrenching. Apir na lang to our mermaid beki friend who saved the lives of the few.

DESCEND

The group decided to have a fast paced descend to avoid untoward incident due to unprepared night trek. What we had in mind is that there was only one head light vs. several newbie hikers, weather condition and the muddy trail. The group agreed on a buddy system yet everyone can feel the escalating worry.

We were waiting for each other and tried our best to stick together as much as possible. But it was getting dark and individual skills and endurance were not on the same page. The 16 members were divided into two groups. Both struggled on the way back. No light, no guide, rainy night, muddy, lost feeling. Everything came rushing at once. Fear was creeping in. Cursing became the self’s expertise that night.

Team Right (the self’s group) arrived at drop off point around 7:30 pm while Team Left arrived almost 10pm.

Everyone’s exhausted, starving, stinking and in pain with scratches and bruises but everyone, the self was so sure of it, learned something from this minor and petiks climb for others but major unexpected experience for the self and for the rest of the group. 

Foreseeable Crisis

Expect the unexpected, prepare for the worst.

September is, as I’ve mentioned on the first entry, an expansion of self-definition month. The self keeps pushing her limits to discovering things she thought she can’t do or is afraid of trying. And in the process of doing so, finding depth on each discovery is the target. It’s like the cherry on top of some sinful dessert or the sweet syrup at the bottom of one Blowjob cocktail.

The usual routine of the self includes:

1.     Family time. When not at work, expect the self to spend the free days at home with folks and the coolest siblings on earth.

2.     Work. Spending 8-12 hours per shift. No, I’m not that lady guard. Nice try, though.

3.   The self-time. Lots of banjing banjing, stares at the ceiling, got bored, reads books, got eye pain, goes out and just have caffeine and nicotine dose without shower, with messy curly hair in bun, dons glasses, rutty shirt and pekpek shorts or pigs out in nearby Frostea and Mcdo or carinderia kind of the self-time.

4.  Skype dates with the boyfriend. Staring at each other for hours and laughing, having meals “together”, and you know the stuff other LDR couples do.

5.    Ganap nights with the self's friends, colleagues, and siblings from another mother are the culprit of jiggling belly yet happier soul.

Predictable. Safe.

Then early this month, the self tried stuff that may not be a biggie for all, but it is to her.

Skateboarding. Hiking. Cheating.

ENE-ME.

That day will come that you think you are invincible, fearless and one hell of a villain.

The day that your friends will constantly and annoyingly worry about your whereabouts and will probably come up with one wicked conspiracy against your equally wicked thoughts.

The day that you, the self, will realize that yes, you've been nudging yourself out of your comfort zone and been wondering what made you do so.

But the self will justify everything with this: That you might just want to expand your self-definition as Gretchen Ruben put it.

Here are some of her peculiar points.

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?"

If something is worth doing, its worth doing badly.

Enjoy now. If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future. But in the process of doing so, master the dread of criticism.

And so before you get yourself a headache as if been hit by a sledgehammer, stop it. Stop trying to figure out everything.

Close your eyes. Dodge the urge to answer the why's and how's and what if's and just go with the fucking flow.